Behaviour Modification

By David Menzies

 

Are men better drivers than women? According to a new Harris-Decima poll, Canadians think the answer is yes. When asked who was better at driving, 36% of those polled said men ruled, while only 29% thought women were better behind the wheel.

 

Alas, the reality isn’t so much that men are better drivers than women. Indeed, the only two sports in which males and females compete as equals are auto racing and equestrian.

 

Rather, men and women – as the Harris-Decima poll adroitly points out – are different drivers. For example, men are more inclined to take risks behind the wheel. And to quote the great Klingon warrior Lieutenant Worf, “Without risk, there can be no glory.”

 

Be that as it may, much like other male drivers who allow their women to do the motoring, it can be downright debilitating from a male perspective to be in a car driven by a woman given that the inherent driving differences are so profound.

 

But the key to rectifying the problem is this: don’t get mad – get modifying.

 

Simply put, the solution to a blissful commute boils down to behaviour modification.

 

On this point, The Menzoid has discovered that when motoring with Lady Menzoid, yelling at her will not change her driving behaviour. The Menzoid has also discovered that calmly pointing out Lady Menzoid’s driving errors doesn’t work either. And The Menzoid has discovered that sitting silently as a passenger and stewing in his own juices does not work.

 

Here’s what does work: bribery.

 

Thus, appealing to Lady Menzoid’s inherent love of shopping, The Menzoid never drives anywhere with his wife unless he’s toting a stack of low denomination gift cards that are redeemable at various retailers.

 

Thus, if Lady Menzoid negotiates a lane change properly (i.e., putting on her signal light, checking her blind spot, and merging into the adjacent lane without cutting anyone off), out comes a two-dollar gift certificate for Tim Hortons.

 

If Lady Menzoid maintains a proper speed and resists the urge to put on makeup as she drives, that’s good for a five-dollar gift card redeemable at Shoppers Drug Mart.

 

The Holy Grail of gift cards – a $20 voucher for Hudson’s Bay – is dispensed only when Lady Menzoid is able to defeat her inner driving demons and properly parallel park into a tight spot. (Suffice to say, Lady Menzoid hasn’t been visiting the Bay lately, but The Menzoid digresses …)

 

Alas, it should be noted that just as The Menzoid giveth, the Menzoid taketh away.

 

You see, The Menzoid has discovered that the key to behavioural modification is not to exist as Santa Claus. Rather, the solution lies in being a benevolent dictator.

 

Thus, if Lady Menzoid makes a driving mistake, a previously-dispensed gift card reward is plucked from the dashboard and put back in The Menzoid’s pocket. Left lane banditry? Goodbye Tim Hortons certificate. Failure to take a short cut to avoid bottlenecked traffic? Adios, Shoppers Drug Mart.

 

The Menzoid has discovered that such a system of reward and punishment has effectively modified Lady Menzoid’s driving behaviour. Slowly but surely, she is amassing a small bounty of gift cards, although that $20 incentive for perfect parallel parking has yet to be achieved.

 

Suffice to say, other men should follow The Menzoid’s lead and act as benevolent dictators when it comes to their girlfriends and wives behind the wheel. Such a reward-based, non-confrontational approach to motoring modification works extraordinarily well. In fact, The Menzoid is so bullish on this method he has applied this system to other facets of domestic cohabitation.

 

For example, the other day, the kitchen looked especially clean, so out came a ten-dollar Petro-Canada gift card. Alas, upon ascending upstairs, The Menzoid discovered that the bed hadn’t been made to his exacting standards, so the gift card was promptly revoked.

 

Even so, there’s no denying the fact that in recent months, Lady Menzoid’s driving has improved immeasurably and Casa Menzoid is looking more spic and span than the day it was purchased.

 

So there you have it, folks. When it comes to the male/female driving dynamic, to quote the esteemed philosopher Nick Lowe: “You’ve got to be cruel to be kind in the right measure.”

 

And by doing so, a blissful commute awaits.

 

Comments

[Paul Van Doormaal]

He better hope lady menzoid doesn't copy the idea for behaviour modification or he's either going to be exhausted or broke.

[Nicole Chaplain-Pearman]

How the Menzoid stays married I'll never know!
I'm equally amazed that he hasn't been killed by one of the people whose cars he leaves notes on to tell them that their cars suck.
That he hasn't been arrested for harassing people in store parking lots is a perverse minor miracle unless ,as I suspect, he's making all this up.