DOG GONE!

 

By The Menzoid

 

The Menzoid was walking along Saginaw Street in Flint, Michigan last month and something odd, something disturbing, caught The Menzoid’s ever-wandering hazel-hued eye. No, it wasn’t tubby Michael Moore filming another so-called documentary. Rather, a middle-aged woman clad in a red top and white slacks was pushing a pink-hued baby stroller down the street. Seated within that stroller was perhaps the ugliest baby The Menzoid has ever laid eyes on. If this kid was a car it would be the Pontiac Aztek.

 

Indeed, this baby was the proverbial “two-bagger” – in other words, you bring a bag for your face in case the bag over baby’s face breaks in public.

 

The gasp-inducing bambino had an excessive amount of curly white hair and two jet-black eyes that resembled lifeless coat buttons. It had an odd-looking mouth that is hard to describe and the body proportions were certainly not those of a du rigueur infant. It also had what appeared to be facial hair. All The Menzoid could think about was that disturbing 1974 horror movie, It’s Alive, which was about a ferociously ugly baby.

 

Horror shows notwithstanding, The Menzoid tried not to avert his eyes. But he couldn’t help himself from staring.

 

However, as the stroller wheeled ever closer and the butt-ugly baby came more into view, The Menzoid discovered that the baby wasn’t really that ugly after all. In fact, the baby wasn’t a baby. Rather, the lifeform within the stroller wasn’t even a member of Homo sapiens. Nope. Seated within that pink baby carrier was a garden variety dog.

 

So incredulous was The Menzoid that he quickly grabbed his Nikon and took a snapshot of the pathetic canine and its equally pathetic owner – just in case people wouldn’t believe this tragic tale. As the saying goes, “What’s wrong with this picture?”

 

Put another way, at what point in the time/space continuum of human history did Rover suddenly ascend as the dominant species on this planet?

 

And Flint-based Fido is not an anomaly. Since returning to the Great White North, The Menzoid has since observed three other dogs wheeled around town in baby strollers. As well, when The Menzoid googled the words “dog” and “stroller”, he was shocked to discover that the search engine turned up almost one million hits! There are entire chat rooms brimming with people who go on, ad nausea, about the joy of taking the family canine for a stroller walk through the park. Wha’ happened?

 

Folks – these are dogs! They have four legs. They have padded paws! These animals are far more adroit at walking and running than a species that is bipedal.

 

And if the loser lap dog doesn’t care to walk, then leave the canine cretin behind as coyote food. Putting the dog in a stroller is preventing Darwinism from taking its course. What next? Putting the dog on a vegan diet?

 

Indeed, The Menzoid reached his breaking point last week when he was at the busy Toronto intersection of Yonge and St. Clair. There was a 50-somehting woman waiting for the traffic light to change, and positioned in front of her was a lapdog wearing a tartan vest sitting in a stroller. That was the camel that broke the straw’s back. Even though The Menzoid was clad in a business suit, he dropped to all fours, stared down the dog, and then started barking maniacally.

 

“Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff!”

 

It caused quite a scene. And The Menzoid is sure that a few bystanders thought he was having a seizure or a nervous breakdown or perhaps a combination of the two.

 

And what did the dog do? Did it bark back? Did it leap from the stroller to clasp its little jaws upon The Menzoid’s jugular? Nope. It began to whimper as if its leg had been snagged in a leg-hold trap.

 

The dog’s wide-eyed owner, meanwhile, was horrified.

 

“What… what are you doing?! What are you doing?!” she exclaimed.

 

“What am I doing?” The Menzoid responded. “What are you doing? You are a disgrace to your species, lady! And if you are going to treat that stupid mutt like a human baby, then I’m going to act like a dog. Ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff-ruff!”

 

“Crazy man, crazy man!” exclaimed the woman, at which point The Menzoid began howling like a wolf.

 

“Ooooooo yap, yap, yap, Oooooooooooooooo!”

 

By this point, Stroller Dog was not only whimpering loudly, it was looking up at its beleaguered owner, as if requesting assistance.

 

The light turned green and the woman bolted for the other side of St. Clair Avenue. Doing so, the stroller’s wheels ran over one of The Menzoid’s paws. That made The Menzoid barking mad.

 

“Grrrrr!  Grrrrr! Grrrrrrr!” growled The Menzoid, still on all fours in his finely-tailored Roberto suit that had just been acquired at 5-6-9 Danforth Avenue.

 

In the meantime, the woman glanced back for a parting shot. “You’re an awful, awful man,” she said.

 

Well, you want what? At least The Menzoid realizes he’s a man. The Menzoid doesn’t know what that pathetic creature in the stroller is. But it sure isn’t a dog. Well, not a real dog. To correct the cosmic wrong that has been committed, all stroller dogs should either be given the boot or given the long needle. Let us humans re-assert our rightful place at the top of the food chain.

 

Excelsior Menzoid!

Comments

[Menzoid Fan]

Excelsior is a Stan Lee's trade mark comment

[John]

hahahaa...good thing the Menzoid is dearly loved in Canada cos Americans have no sense of his mental immoralities (hahs - no pun intended).

John
BC

[Mary S]

Hi Charles & "The Menzoid", I really really loved your segment today about that lady & her "baby dog" in that stroller which looked better than what i used for my human kid when he was a baby!! What is all that pampering supposed to do to the animal anyway? The lady seems to be smiling in the pic & see nothing wrong with what she's doing!! She's definitely not helping the world become a better place by spending so much on a common canine! GO MENZOID!!

[Sean]

Menzoid for prime minister!

[Robert W. (Vancouver)]

After having listened to the segment, the one thing I'm surprised about is that the woman's girth isn't much "thicker". After all, the Menzoid seems to have a special talent for getting in fights with the larger gals out there.