charlesadler.com

EH, CANADA?

By David Menzies

 

Somebody has taken umbrage to the word “sons” in O Canada.

Bravo, for O Canada could be the most offensive song ever recorded this side of Mr. Roboto.

But why merely re-jig the “Son’s” part?

Let’s blow it up and completely rewrite the anthem, Menzoid style. To wit:

“O Canada!”

Whoa! Now wait just a minute. What do you mean by the word, “O”? Is this a reference to the Big O, Montreal’s taxpayer-funded sinkhole known as Olympic Stadium? Or is this a reference to the other Big O, and if it is, any reference to any sort of sexual bliss has absolutely no place in a national anthem.

O has to go. The Menzoid suggests we replace it O with Eh. And really, how Canadian is that? Eh, Canada?

“Our Home and Native Land”

What were they thinking? Surely this is grossly offensive to aboriginals who think that Canada is exclusively their home and native land, not anyone else’s. And of course it is absolutely verboten to recite anything that might upset the sensibilities of indigenous peoples, so “home and native” has go to go, too.

The Menzoid suggests selling naming rights to our new anthem, Eh Canada? So, “home” becomes Home Depot and “native” becomes Native Pride Clothing.

Yes, it’s a mouthful. But think of the payola.

“True Patriot love”

Patriot? As in “patriotism”? We can’t have that in a nation that embraces the medium coffee, double-double. Patriotism means taking pride in one’s country. That’s heresy along the lines of “Own the Podium.” Being a Canadian means keeping one’s pride entombed in a closet. Flag-waving is what our southern neighbours do, and we’re so much better than that.

The Menzoid’s suggestion: “True pastry love.” Forget the CPR, there’s nothing that unites this nation more than the thousands of Tim Hortons from sea to shiny sea. Be it crullers or donuts or muffins or Tim Bits, we adore our pastries. Case in point: it is not uncommon to see apparel at Canadian Wal-Mart and Zellers stores that is categorized as “Quadruple-XL.”

“In all thy sons command”

Ah, the S-word – Sons. The Menzoid says we leave this word there, but spell it S-U-N. For we are only here due to the largesse of nature, and without a blazing ball of hydrogen some 93 million miles away, Earth is but a lifeless husk. Didn’t you see Avatar yet? Let’s make Elizabeth May and The Green Party happy by paying homage to the s-u-n sun in our new national anthem.

“With glowing hearts we see thee rise,”

Aside from the completely inappropriate sexual double-entendre here, the only things that truly glow are items that have been radiated. Needless to say, it’s high time we made Canada a nuclear-free zone. Let’s turn the CANDO in the CAN-DON’T by eradicating any positive mention of the term “glowing.”

A replacement lyric: “Hey-hey, ho-ho, the industrial military complex has to go!”

The True North strong and free!

Oh, come on! Being a Canadian is about being inclusive. Did we consult the Norwegians or the Russians or the yaks roaming the tundra on Greenland about this “true north” business? How dare we have the temerity to take ownership of the planet’s upper latitude? How dare we be so judgmental by calling this area “true”, for who are we  to say what’s right and wrong, what’s true or false?

And how dare we laud the “strong” and the “free” – surely there are weak slaves somewhere in the world who take offense to that bravado.

Replacement lyric: “You just can’t lose when you do the cruise.”

“From far and wide”

It’s been a long winter and The Menzoid has indeed packed on a few pounds. I resent the fact that the anthem appears to be mocking my fat arse, so far and wide has got to go, too.

Replacement lyric: “Be you small, medium or large; enjoy your stay because nobody’s in charge.”

“We stand on guard for thee”

Guards are sooo Buckingham Palace. Didn’t we break away from the Mother Land in 1867? No sir, we don’t wear goofy fur hats an stand rigidly on this side of the pond.

Besides, what of the physically challenged who are unable to stand? Who are we to mock their handicap? For shame!

Replacement lyric: “You just can’t lose when you do the cruise.” (Yes, this line appears earlier in Eh Canada?, but it is so magnificently gloriously inoffensive and it rhymes, so it shall be repeated whenever deemed necessary – kind of like Little Mosque on the Prairie reruns.)

“God keep our land glorious and free!”

God? As in G-O-D? The Menzoid can barely type now his fingers are shaking so much. Oh, how could we offend the atheists and agnostics and the humanists?!

Replacement lyric: “You just can’t lose when you do the cruise.”

 

So, to recap:

 

Eh, Canada

Our Home Depot and Native Pride Clothing place

True pastry love

In all thy Suns’ command

Hey-hey, ho-ho, the industrial military complex has to go!

You just can’t lose when you do the cruise

Be you small, medium or large; enjoy your stay because nobody’s in charge

You just can’t lose when you do the cruise

You just can’t lose when you do the cruise

 

Thank you. Thank you very much. And my apology in advance if anyone’s offended, eh?

Syrup Sucking Iceholes!

The team just wants to thank Hurry Hard Athletics for sending over some Syrup Sucking Icehole t-shirts!

Is 'O Canada' sexist?

A sentence in yesterday's thrown speech caught some people off guard and has started an anthem controversy. Governor General Michaelle Jean said the Conservatives would ask Parliament "to examine the original gender-neutral English wording of the national anthem." The line in question is: "True patriot love in all thy sons command."

Do we need to change our anthem?

How about this politically correct version? CLICK HERE.

Americans: the Good and the Bad

In the coming days Mr. Olympics himself Brian Williams will be stopping in and we'll have a great chat as always and open up lines to you.

 

Right now I want to offer the words of another Brian Williams, the Senior Anchor of NBC news,the one who succeeded Tom Brokaw.

 

Brian Williams left Vancouver a few days ago, but not before leaving behind this Thank you note to Canada.

 

Leaving behind a thank-you note

 

Brian Williams, anchor and managing editor

 

After tonight's broadcast and after looting our hotel mini-bars, we're going to try to brave the blizzard and fly east to home and hearth, and to do laundry well into next week.  Before we leave this thoroughly polite country, the polite thing to do is leave behind a thank-you note.

 

Thank you, Canada:

 

For being such good hosts.

 

For your unfailing courtesy.

 

For your (mostly) beautiful weather.

 

For scheduling no more than 60 percent of your float plane departures at the exact moment when I was trying to say something on television.

 

For not seeming to mind the occasional (or constant) good-natured mimicry of your accents.

 

For your unique TV commercials -- for companies like Tim Hortons -- which made us laugh and cry.

 

For securing this massive event without choking security, and without publicly displaying a single automatic weapon.

 

For having the best garment design and logo-wear of the games -- you've made wearing your name a cool thing to do.

 

For the sportsmanship we saw most of your athletes display.

 

For not honking your horns. I didn't hear one car horn in 15 days -- which also means none of my fellow New Yorkers rented cars while visiting.

 

For making us aware of how many of you have been watching NBC all these years.

 

For having the good taste to have an anchorman named Brian Williams on your CTV network, who turns out to be such a nice guy.

 

For the body scans at the airport which make pat-downs and cavity searches unnecessary.

 

For designing those really cool LED Olympic rings in the harbor, which turned to gold when your athletes won one.

 

For always saying nice things about the United States...when you know we're listening.

 

For sharing Joannie Rochette with us.

 

For reminding some of us we used to be a more civil society.

Mostly, for welcoming the world with such ease and making lasting friends with all of us.

 

 

Ok that's all class from Brian Williams as you would expect but now this…

 

The words of a person not well known in Canada who writes for a newspaper out of Dallas Texas…Gil LeBreton visited the game and wrote some words that have been excerpted in the National Post:

 

Gil LeBreton, a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, wrote a widely read piece on Monday that compared the Canadian flag-waving of the Vancouver Olympics to the prevalence of swastikas at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. Yesterday, he apologized. Below are excerpts from both columns.

 

MONDAY

 

After a spirited torch relay ignited pride in every corner of the country, the Olympic Games began and quickly galvanized the nation.

 

Flags were everywhere. The country's national symbol hung from windows and was worn on nearly everyone's clothing.

 

Fervent crowds cheered every victory by the host nation.

 

But enough about the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

 

They showed us Canadian Games, all right. And in most cases, nothing but Canadian Games.

 

I'm not talking about TV coverage. I have no idea what Bob Costas and NBC were televising back in the States.

 

But from the opening ceremony to Sunday's closing, from the tragic death of Georgian luger Nodar Kumaritashvili to Sunday's gold-medal hockey game, on the streets of Vancouver and at the Olympic venues, only a token nod was given to the rest of the world's athletes.

 

I was as surprised as I was disappointed.

 

One thing I never saw: a simple flag or shirt with the five Olympic rings. Not anywhere. After 15 Olympics, that was a first.

 

I didn't attend the '36 Olympics, but I've seen the pictures. Swastikas everywhere.

 

No political reference is meant, just an Olympic one. What on earth were the Canadians thinking?

 

An Olympic host is supposed to welcome the world. This one was too busy being (their word) "patriotic."

 

"Now you know us, eh?" chief organizer Furlong said.

 

We thought we did two weeks ago. Now, I'm wondering if Canadians can even recognize themselves.

 

Nice party. But so 1936.

 

---

 

TUESDAY

 

My intention in Monday morning's wrap-up column wasn't to offend Canada, the land of my ancestors, and my hosts of the past three weeks. On the contrary, I was trying to express my disappointment and surprise that, in my opinion, Canadians had failed to grasp the global mandate that being an Olympic host entails.

 

In doing so, I reached for a comparison -- and picked one in the 1936 Olympics that unintentionally may have offended the very people whose company I have enjoyed for these past days.

 

I apologize for offending them.

 

As I said in the wrap-up, I certainly implied no political analogies. But some comparisons are sensitive enough to be offensive just by their very mention.

 

I felt, in the rush to celebrate Canada's new patriotism, some of [the stories of other countries' athletes] were missed here.

 

That doesn't excuse me from making an insensitive comparison. But in 14 previous Olympic Games, never were the cheers for the visiting countries' athletes drowned out so ferociously. On the eve of the final day of these Games, I attended the team pursuit finals at the Richmond Olympic Oval. There were two medal ceremonies at the conclusion of the day's events.

 

In the first, the gold medal went to the Canadian men's team, and the Canadians in attendance cheered heartily and sang along with O Canada.

 

The women's medal ceremony was next. But as the gold medals were being placed around the necks of the Germans, much of the crowd was busy filing out.

 

That final scene prompted the column. The comparison I used prompts me to apologize to anyone who felt offended by it.

 

 

 

Gil LeBreton writing for a Texas newspaper - the Telegram....

 

 

Question: Do you wish to accept his apology?

NBC's Tom Brokaw explains Canada to Americans

Listeners are really loving this short film narrated by NBC's Tom Brokaw. In it, Brokaw explains the relationship between Canada and the United States. You definitely need to watch it! Click HERE.